WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
