When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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