Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
