recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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