Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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