The maid of honor just puked.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
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I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
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Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...