dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
