The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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