I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
