This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
