I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
