6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
