Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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