cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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