Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
