im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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