I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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