So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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