thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
