Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
