I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Randomize
