I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
