I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
