My hand turned me down
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
