to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
