why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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