my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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