I am midnight drunk by noon
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
