Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
