sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
