This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
