Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
