Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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