My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
