We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This is my gift to your gina
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
