I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
