My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
