I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
