he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
