Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
