I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
