As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
