Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
