I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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