So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
And then my night got REAL pukey
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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