I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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