Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
