Umm I'm too high to move.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
