I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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