he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
