Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
