New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
