I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
