My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
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She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
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So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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