On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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