Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
