Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
