My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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