just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Who died my cat blue again?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
