May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
