my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
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Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
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All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful