listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.