I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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