He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
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I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
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I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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