Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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